satanic panic

Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (1991) - 8 Out Of 19 - FLEE IT


This was the first film I ever saw at the drive-in when I was a kid, it was played as the second film in a double feature with the Cher film Mermaids. I revisited it today for the first time and dang, time really makes you romanticise movies from your formative years. This movie has some awesome scenes broken up by long chunks of fucking boring! But that’s like having skittles sprinkled through dog shit; you’re not going to get excited about the skittles. Alan Rickman is a great contrast to Costner’s portrayal of cardboard but 2 hours and 40 minutes can eat one. Instead of revisiting this I recommend watching the Bryan Adams music video and then YouTube the bit Sean Connery shows up (yeah I forgot that too). Better yet watch that series with Baldrick from Black Adder as the Sheriff 8 outta 19

Venom (2018) - 12 out of 19 - SEE IT


Tom hardy takes a big leaf out of Vincent D'onofrio’s book from Men In Black in the latest offering from Marvel and Sony. Venom is the origin story of Eddie Brock turning into Venom and the biggest fault I have with it (other than Tom Hardy’s snaggletooth) is it falls into that in between nothingness when it comes to rating, surely the lesson of the Deadpool films is there is still room in the world for R rated superhero films and surely Venom is a prime candidate (a just want to see him eat heads). There’s a few poop jokes for kids and a Tootsie joke for cavemen?. The CGI and acting is above decent but the film is very stop start, for every ten minutes of action we get 40 minutes of talking. Michelle Williams is the best in the acting department but Tom’s tooth steals all the screen time.

12 outta 19

Mandy (2018) - 11 out of 19 - SEE IT


Cinema goers with 80's aesthetic boners are in for a real treat with Mandy, the latest film this week to star Nicolas Cage.

Cage has done crazy and over the top many times before but very rarely in recent years is it paired with him wanting to be there and I tell you what this seems like he was first to arrive and last to leave. Cage chews up every second of screen time with his wide eyed, face like someone farted. This film is a love letter to the murder-revenge-exploitation of the 70’s coupled with a slick visual style that looks like a David Lynch film had sex with a King Diamond album. it was a fun, Viceral throwback that the self-serious black metal/occult metal gronks (hi Matty) are sure to cream their flares over. 11 out of 19