Casey’s Shit Cinema
Mac And Me
1988's 'Mac And Me' fulfilled the promise of being one of the "worst films ever made", as well as being a complete rip-off of E.T The Extra Terrestrial, and apparently a thinly veiled advertisement for McDonalds restaurant and Coca-Cola. Going in, I was anticipating cheesy dialogue, and lots of product placements. What I wasn't ready for was terrifying gross mute alien puppet things that were just nightmare material, even as a fully grown adult watching in 2016.
duced for what feels like far too long, we then have an opening sequence about the human protagonist and his family moving to a new town, blah blah, wholesome American basis. So far there has already been a few product placements for Coca-Cola and not a lot of anything grabbing my interest.
At this point I decided that it was too ugly and too boring and started watching it in fast forward, since the dialogue wasn't cheesy enough to keep me entertained. Moving faster, it becomes more entertaining as I see the alien guy (who I can only assume must be the "Mac" from the title) drinking a shitload of Coke, then they dress him in a teddy bear outfit for some reason and take him to McDonalds.
This is where I thought I'd take it off fast forward to see what this advertising was like, and was treated to a lengthy choreographed song and dance number in the restaurant, complete with Ronald McDonald, dancing alien in a bear suit, and back flips. Was it worth watching for? Not really.
Back to fast forward and what I can basically summarize is that much like E.T., some secret agents are after the alien. Cue a bunch of kids trying to save it and escaping, not on bicycles, but using the protagonists WHEELCHAIR of all things, complete with alien wrapped up like an invalid, through a car chase in a neighborhood so similar to E.T that I almost wonder if they use some of it as stock footage.
Somehow the alien leads them to his dying parents in a cave somewhere, and they bring them back to life by drinking cans of Coke (??), then go to a supermarket to steak some Coke and end up in a siege with officers ending in a big fire that the aliens walk out of unharmed in some freaky Terminator style shit.
Seriously I have no idea what happens except the next scene is the aliens in a court room in clothes pretending to be freakin people, cause i didn't think they could look any creepier but what do you know. Then they drive off in a convertible in a very Full House opening sequence, and yeah. Thats it. 90 minutes of your life you'll never get back.
1987's answer to "can we make a comedy, but not make it funny?"
It's been a long time (and a lot of bad movies) between reviews, but I was inspired last night after watching 1987's offering, Mannequin.
Within the first few minutes of a white blonde American english-speaking ancient Egyptian travelling through time to find love into a animated opening sequence, I knew I was in for something special.
Basically some guy is an 'artist' being creatively satisfied making store mannequins to perfection, but after creating what he considers to be a masterpiece he is fired. He then pursues a montage worth of new and mismatched jobs which he is fired fro one by one for being too artistic, then his girlfriend dumps him, then his motorbike breaks down, in the rain, but before getting too upset - he spots his perfect mannequin in a store window!
Now I'll be honest, I kinda started zoning out so I don't know how but next thing he's working at that store with a fabulous fashion merchandiser setting up the store window display each night with the mannequin, but she can come to life when he's alone with her...? So the God's have granted her an escape from her arranged marriage in ancient Egypt and given her a chance at love by being trapped in a mannequin body in 1987 with some guy who's a dud on a job trial. Cool.
On top of adding what felt like a new character every scene and a bunch of story plot incidents that didn't really have enough reasoning, his window displays are a success, as is his budding romance with the magical mannequin that only he knows comes to life! Throw in a few song and dance montages around the store making outfit changes that are a tad anachronistic for a woman who was apparently from 3000BC but hey, lets not let that get in the way of a "great" story!
Because every movie needs a musical montage.
A rival store manager wants him to do their store window display, and they try and steal the mannequin, or something like that, blah blah and at the end she comes to life in front of everyone (which she couldn't have done during an awkward sex scene where he would have pretty much been literally naked and humping a store dummy?) and then they kiss and live presumably happily ever after!
The shit in this movie is some real 80's caviar, mixed with a side of absolutely crap plot direction. Bonus points if you can make it through without making a Sex And The City joke.
2 thumbs sideways!
Little Miss Magic
Possibly 1998's biggest piece of shit, Little Miss Magic
Well, I actually don't know what to say about this. And I couldn't find any clips of it on YouTube so I feel I'm hardly going to do it justice, but wow. One fateful day at a second hand store I found a "family movie pack", of 10 seemingly low-budget, straight to DVD films that looked like an absolute treasure trove. So while sitting on the couch hungover, January 1st, I decided to surprise my company with a film from it, and I am as equally sorry as I am not at all sorry for what we endured.
Little Miss Magic - looks like a fun and energetic 90s film about a girl floating various pieces of outdated technology over her head, in some sort of Sabrina The Teenage Witch-esque novelty piece. Instead, right from the get-go it is a colourless, lo-fi and terrible (and I do mean terrible) CGI with the acting and production qualities of something like a midday movie or a bad episode of Touched By An Angel.
Storyline is that "Little Miss Magic" is an aspiring student witch, under the tuition of a CGI old mans head floating in flames, that needs to pass some sort of final test to graduate. The test is fairly ambiguous, but I can only gather it involves getting some random guy a promotion and fixing his marriage despite his wife having a secret embezzling scheme happening from her husbands business accounts. Or something like that. So if magic did exist, in the scheme of the entire world, I can see how this would take top priority for the witches!
Enter massive plot hole 1: The witch is dropped off to their house under the guise of "your long distant cousin died and you get custody of his daughter". No questions, no paperwork, no police screening process, just bam, "Here have this kid, see you later, bye".
The couple are heading out to dinner, so they arrange a babysitter to come - once again, a total stranger - and no one stops to see if this girl is okay following her supposed parents death, or the fact that she's just been made to move in with some random strangers who would rather go out to dinner than help her settle in. But anyway. Let's just say following this, is a bunch of really loose storyline, insane continuity errors (like its day in one camera angle, then night in another then back to day, or the clock on the wall shows a totally different time to the part of day being portrayed in the film). Add in a few really weird computer ghost goblin things, and you've got yourself a film!
The unanimous peak of the film was one magical punishment which made everything go backwards for one guy. I wish it was on YouTube, it is amazing - its all of the footage being played in reverse, but the guy walking forward. How on earth did they do it? You can tell he was awkwardly walking backwards in the original shots so they could put the whole thing in reverse. It's the stupidest, most awkward and most amazingly hilariously shit you will see for quite some time.
Aside from that, this film was actually shit. One magical star.
Hercules In New York
Arnold Schwarzenegger's 'acting' debut in 1970's Hercules In New York
I don't even know where to begin on this one, honestly. You just have to see this film. Those of you that know me know that I am somewhat of a 'shit' connoisseur, and even I was just absolutely dumbfounded at this one. Let's begin.
The year is 1970. A young Arnold Schwarzenegger and his almost indecipherable Austrian accent have just won the Mr Universe title, and someone has the genius brainwave to cast this guy in a film. So here we are in what appears to be "Ancient Greece" - basically someones garden with a few collumn props, fake plants, and the sound of traffic in the background. Hercules decides he wants to go to New York - because somehow they are on some sort of co-existing timeline - and with no explanation whatsoever he gets on a fucking PLANE and arrives in New York.
20 minutes in and I recommend starting a drinking game, one for every time he says his name is Hercules, and another for any time he takes off his shirt. Because trust me, these things are happening frequently. Double points for any time you can spot that Arnie is actually reading his script from cue cards off side the camera.
Highlights of this film include the terrible, terrible editing (including one scene where the edits go from day to night and back again a few times, and one where they mysteriously change outfits), the lack of soundtrack except for some traditional Greek folk music anytime something typically Herculean takes place (eg when he takes off his shirt and fights a group of sailors for no reason whatsoever), and my personal favourite scene - when Hercules fights a fucking BEAR that escaped from the zoo (and yes, the bear is totally just some guy in a bear suit).
This film has to be seen to be believed. The film making, the acting, the "historical inaccuracies", all of it. It's amazing.